Some parents take the quote, “spare the rod; spoil the child” too literally. They figure that the only way to handle a child that is defiant is to use the rod – a stick when the stick should be the very last option. Sometimes a child that is defiant would not get to the option of the stick if parents could deal with their defiance in these other creative ways.
1. Clearly state your expectations and hold them accountable to it: Sometimes, parents expect their children to behave well when they have not clearly defined what good behaviour is to them. The first step to having your child behave well is letting them know what you term as good behaviour. Then let them know that they will be held accountable for their actions. Let them know that if they follow it, they will be commended and if they go against it, there will be consequences.
2. Be consistent and firm: To avoid reinforcing bad behaviour, if a child is defiant, let them have the consequences that comes with it. If you are consistent in dishing out the consequence, the bad behaviour will eventually stop. Consequences can vary from sending them to a corner for some hours, taking their favourite possessions such as toys/phone from them for some weeks, sending them to bed early before their bedtime or grounding them for a significant period of time. As they serve their punishment, let them be reminded of why they are being punished.
3. Focus more on good behaviour: Whenever they behave well, let them know that you appreciate it and let them be rewarded for it. Rewards for good behaviour should consist more of words of commendation, a full smile, a pat on the back, a big hug, than monetary rewards. When you see them doing something you would like to see more, say things such as, “You deserve a high five for washing the plates in the sink” then give it. You can also stop bad behaviour by telling them the positive opposite of the wrong they have done. If you see their room in disarray, don’t say, “See how untidy your room is!” Instead say, “Please go and clean your room”. When they comply immediately, show sincere gladness and say thing such as, “Glad that you did what I asked! Your room looks good.”
4. Let them know that power is with you and will stay with you: When you follow through on rewarding their behaviour to your expectation and do not give room for bargaining or arguments, they know that power stays with you and it will remain that way, but note that before you let them know where the power is, have a talk with your child to let them know your expectations and why you need them to take note of them and obey them. This way, when you tell them to do something and you stand your ground, they know it is not because you hate them but because they have gone against the rules everyone (they included) agreed to follow.
5. Do nothing: This is especially effective when a child decides to throw tantrums to get his/her way. Note that this technique only works when you stay calm. While they throw tantrums, insist one to three times clearly enough for them to hear what you need them to do, then leave to keep doing anything else. Eventually, the child calms down and will do what you want him/her to do knowing that their tantrums have done nothing to change the consequences they will get for bad behaviour.
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This article was first published on 15th November 2014 and updated on November 17th, 2014 at 11:37 am
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Some parents take the quote, “spare the rod; spoil the child” too literally. They figure that the only way to handle a child that is defiant is to use the rod – a stick when the stick should be the very last option. Sometimes a child that is defiant would not get to the option of the stick if parents could deal with their defiance in these other creative ways.
1. Clearly state your expectations and hold them accountable to it: Sometimes, parents expect their children to behave well when they have not clearly defined what good behaviour is to them. The first step to having your child behave well is letting them know what you term as good behaviour. Then let them know that they will be held accountable for their actions. Let them know that if they follow it, they will be commended and if they go against it, there will be consequences.
2. Be consistent and firm: To avoid reinforcing bad behaviour, if a child is defiant, let them have the consequences that comes with it. If you are consistent in dishing out the consequence, the bad behaviour will eventually stop. Consequences can vary from sending them to a corner for some hours, taking their favourite possessions such as toys/phone from them for some weeks, sending them to bed early before their bedtime or grounding them for a significant period of time. As they serve their punishment, let them be reminded of why they are being punished.
3. Focus more on good behaviour: Whenever they behave well, let them know that you appreciate it and let them be rewarded for it. Rewards for good behaviour should consist more of words of commendation, a full smile, a pat on the back, a big hug, than monetary rewards. When you see them doing something you would like to see more, say things such as, “You deserve a high five for washing the plates in the sink” then give it. You can also stop bad behaviour by telling them the positive opposite of the wrong they have done. If you see their room in disarray, don’t say, “See how untidy your room is!” Instead say, “Please go and clean your room”. When they comply immediately, show sincere gladness and say thing such as, “Glad that you did what I asked! Your room looks good.”
4. Let them know that power is with you and will stay with you: When you follow through on rewarding their behaviour to your expectation and do not give room for bargaining or arguments, they know that power stays with you and it will remain that way, but note that before you let them know where the power is, have a talk with your child to let them know your expectations and why you need them to take note of them and obey them. This way, when you tell them to do something and you stand your ground, they know it is not because you hate them but because they have gone against the rules everyone (they included) agreed to follow.
5. Do nothing: This is especially effective when a child decides to throw tantrums to get his/her way. Note that this technique only works when you stay calm. While they throw tantrums, insist one to three times clearly enough for them to hear what you need them to do, then leave to keep doing anything else. Eventually, the child calms down and will do what you want him/her to do knowing that their tantrums have done nothing to change the consequences they will get for bad behaviour.
