Nigerians Share: What I Wish I Knew Before Marriage

  You are smart. You know that marriage is not a fairy tale, and that it requires great effort and dedication. You have read books, attended premarital counselling; in short, you assure yourself of being adequately prepared for this new phase of life. If this is what you are thinking, perhaps you would like to know what surprises marriage held for people who once thought they knew everything there was to know. Here are some of the things interviewees said they wish they had known before tying the knot: “I wish I had known that it’s okay if your husband isn’t your soul mate. I’ve made peace with the fact that my best friend is my soul mate, and my marriage is richer for it.” – Chloe “I wish I’d known that my happiness is my personal responsibility.” – Gbemi “I wish I’d known that understanding your spouse is a journey, not a destination.” – Emmanuel “I wish I had known that all the fussing over each other would reduce as responsibilities come.” – Maryam “I wish I’d known that “husbandhood” and fatherhood are two completely different things.” – Ikhonmu “I wish I’d known how difficult it is to resist temptation.” – Steve “I wish I had known how important it is for my spouse to be more spiritually inclined than me.” – Aishat “I’m surprised at the strain family involvement and handling family relations can bring.” – Yinka The realisation of the role the extended family plays in a marriage has proved to be a shocker for some young couples, who often envision a private, intimate life as two peas in a pod. Adaeze, married for nearly two years, was appalled to find on one unexpectedly life-altering occasion, that her husband would not take her side even when his mother was clearly in the wrong. “Even though I love him very much, it changed the way I see him,” she says. Intending couples are usually told, “Marriage takes work”, and naively assume it means patiently putting up with his habit of leaving his dirty socks on the floor, or tolerantly ignoring her when she nags. Surprise, surprise; you will work harder than you ever have in your life. Valerie has been married for only a month and is already learning how taxing life lived in tandem with another person can be, especially when one is accustomed to leading an independent life. “You never really know how challenging it can be to work as a team. It requires a lot of personal discipline to make it work.” Many are also unprepared for how their lives will change. Pam, married for four years and mother of an adorable little boy she totally loves, says, “I wish I knew how being a mother would change my life; physically, emotionally… I have no freedom to achieve as much as I’d like to.” After four years of marriage, Timeyin agrees with Pam, “I wish I had known that I’ll have less time for myself and sacrifice more time to meet my hubby and children’s needs. In fact, I almost have no time for myself.” Even excluding family-related challenges, surprises abound within the marriage relationship itself.  Christine was happy to be getting married to an intelligent, broad-minded young man, and she looked forward to a contemporary marriage very much unlike their parents’. Three years after, she is still getting used to her reality. “No matter how liberal your boyfriend is, once you’re married he turns into a traditional husband, expecting the things his father got.” As expected, husbands are not exempt from dealing with the fact of married life being far removed from their fantasy. Quite a number, especially those who waited until marriage to have sex, are disappointed to find that they are not getting as much of it as they had thought they would. “I wish I’d known that marriage isn’t a sex-fest, I would have been prepared and lowered my expectations. My wife is the kind of woman most men consider sexy – myself inclusive obviously. I was disappointed to find that she isn’t as interested in sex as her appearance suggests. She can even go for weeks without it, and after over a decade of marriage it’s still something we’re both working on,” says David. Apparently, the same goes for some wives. Christine goes on to say, “I thought I’d have sex every day; in fact, I’d like it twice a day, 7 days a week. I was upset to find that a good week is, say, 3 times. I’m adjusting now, anyway.” Others are dismayed to find that acquiring tons of sexual experience before marriage is not what guarantees a great sex life, and can in fact be counterproductive. “I wish I’d known the power of sexual purity before marriage,” says Efe, who has been a husband for one year. It’s not all bad though. Chisom has been married for 3 years, and confesses to being amazed by marital bliss. “I wish I’d known that I would be so happy and fulfilled in marriage. I was prepared for anything but this, really.” Indeed it’s not always pretty, but you can count on your pure love for each other to pull you through. As a matter of fact, some believe working through these surprises together will make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began. “I wish someone took out time to explain, in great detail, how absolutely delicious the make-up sex is!” says Hazel, who has been married for seven years. “The one constant about marriage is its capacity to surprise the most prepared of individuals. You have to live it to actually believe most of what one encounters in marriage.” “No matter how well you think you know what you know, or how equipped you figure you are, especially from listening to others’ experiences or by delving knee-deep into appropriate literature, marriage still throws you for a loop,” she continues. “Keeping an open mind, bringing 100 percent commitment and generally being willing to work hard at staying blissfully committed, on the part of both parties, goes a long way in any marriage. That being said, I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything. It’s far from perfect but I love it. I love us.” Now isn’t that heart warming! What about you? What do you wish you knew before you said “I do”? Do leave a comment below.

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This article was first published on 6th September 2013 and updated on July 23rd, 2015 at 8:02 am

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