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Not a day passes without me seeing “men are scum” on Twitter, and for every person who posts it as a joke, there’s someone who clearly means it.

It used to bother me a lot, mainly for two reasons; I love men, and I am averse to generalisations. I wondered if “men are scum” meant that our fathers, brothers, husbands and sons are generally and inherently filthy. Nowadays, although I still wonder whenever I see it, it no longer bothers me. Some people are married to scumbags, while others have been treated badly by same: we tend to hear more from the abusers and the abused than we do from people who are neither scum nor in relationships with scum, so we’re going to keep seeing “men are scum” for a long time.

The thing I find most striking about this phenomenon is that diehard “men are scum” women still want to, and do get married…to men. They marry the scum they know men to be, and they get everything they expect to get from a union with scum, not surprisingly.

The ones who have a hard time finding suitable scum to settle down with simply continue to amplify their “men-are-scumming” until their own scum comes along.

Then there are the ones who will never tweet it, but still believe deep down that men are scum. They may fool social media, but they can’t fool nature. We all give off vibes all the time, whether we are aware of this or not. If you’ve got “men are scum” vibes coming out of your soul and you want a man, well…that’s a simple equation right there.

If you give off signals that say, “I disapprove of men”, “I don’t like men”, “I don’t need a man” why do you think you’ll attract a kind, successful, loyal man? The same goes for women who make “finding a man” their sole occupation in life, giving off vibes of desperation or forcing themselves on men: it’s not going to happen. With most things in life, balance is everything.

If you’re not interested in a lasting relationship with a man, that’s okay.

If you are interested in spending the rest of your life with a man, however, you simply cannot pretend to be on the men-are-scum bandwagon and expect to marry a non-scum man. You must begin to change the way you think and feel inside so that you can send out the right signals to attract what you want.

One problem with believing that men are scum is that when they start exhibiting rubbish behaviour, you’re more inclined to tolerate it instead of kicking his butt to the curb because, well, that’s a man for you.

When he starts to do things that scream “run” so loud it is deafening, you don’t run because where are you running to when men are scum?

You don’t remove undeserving men from your life in order to make room for the amazing ones to find you because you’re thinking, what amazing ones?

When he gives you poop you take it because deep inside you don’t believe there is better to be had. Which man is good, my sister? They are all the same, jare. All these women you see looking happy, you don’t know what they are suffering in their homes…

To understand that there are awful people in the world, male and female, is the first step to the healthy balance that a fulfilled life requires.

If you’re ready for authentic, mutually satisfying love, not just on the surface but from deep within where it matters, and you believe that you can actually get the decent, loving human being that you deserve, the connection will happen.

Of course it’s more challenging when you’re in your 40s and 50s than it was in your 20s and 30s, and also more challenging if you desire an exceptional man, but you will connect as long as you’re consistently sending healthy signals, not “give me a man or I die” and not “men are scum” signals.

Scum men are attracted to extremes, to women consumed by disliking men or by hankering after them.

Of course, there are no guarantees in life. Every now and then something goes off and a woman ends up with the wrong man, but I have learnt not to be fixated on these exceptions.

As long as you “shine your eyes” instead of ignoring red flags, and maintain a balanced attitude, your light will attract light. I have strong reason to believe this, and I believe it with all my heart.

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This article was first published on 29th November 2016


Joy Ehonwa is an editor and a writer who is passionate about relationships and personal development. She runs Pinpoint Creatives, a proofreading, editing, transcription and ghostwriting service. Email: pinpointcreatives [at]

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