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By Ikechi Awazie.
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There are so many relationship, dating and love tips out there, all geared towards making relationships healthy or getting the dream guy or girl. It seems as if people are gaining more insight on the subject everyday. Yet with all these, research shows that divorce among couples is on the increase. Many couples are struggling in their relationships and some are on the verge of dissolving their marriage. Most guys are afraid of taking the plunge while many ladies have suffered heartbreak. Getting married more than once is a norm in the society; only few couples get to enjoy their marriage and yet we have flood of tips on dating and relationships. I am not trying to be critical or do a review on some of the dating tips on the web but it’s necessary that we check our mindset and see how these tips affect our lives. Rules upon rules, how to guides, tips and a whole lot of media content has been created to guide us to relationship bliss but has it really affected our society? I’m sure to get a lot of opinions on this. Do you really know why people go on a date or get into a relationship? This may seem like a silly question but history shows that dating is a recent phenomenon which has emerged from the traditional role of arranged marriages. The truth is that dating has helped us to solve one problem and that’s Uncertainty or as some call it, Fear of the Unknown. Let’s face it, nobody wants to just ride into the Cavalry of marriage and get punched. We like to know what we’re getting into and try to understand each other in order to have a happy family but it doesn’t still solve the problem of hardship in relationships. We have seen and heard of scenarios where a man and a woman, who enjoyed their dating experience, get married and suddenly they don’t click with each other anymore. Relationship tips have tried to fill the void of uncertainty and encourage healthy relationships. However, the problem here is not the tips, but us humans, because our personalities are not the same.

Communication

A lot of couples don’t understand what communication is, and youths are trying to get the hang of it. Talking alone is not communication, neither is just listening. Even listening and talking does not make you a good communicator. So what makes one a good communicator? Consider this; how is a man who loves sports and knows nothing about fashion able to communicate with his wife who loves talking too much about fashion? How do couples resolve issues that conflict with their personality? AHA!!, Now there is a brain teaser. Inadequate communication is the greatest problem in relationships and it is the root cause of problems in every other area like sex, finance and every area of human relations you can think of. One of the reasons why we have dating experts or gurus all over the place is because they have studied the art of communication. How do you think people like Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor and author of New York Times bestselling book “5 Love Languages” was able to touch the hearts of more than a million people? Through communication, he was able to find out that people had a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. Most peoples’ way of communicating is usually one-sided; it’s filled with selfishness and demands. Many married people want to communicate their need without considering the personality of their spouse. We were made not to be the same but to complement each other and that can be achieved if we learn communication skills. Unfortunately instead of communicating, we play the blame game and if that’s not enough, we look for counselors, experts and tips to reaffirm our beliefs and when this does not go our way, only a few of us will accept advice and make a change. My point is that most of these tips are written by experts who have gained experience on the subject and also have good communication skills. So won’t it be great if couples took the time to learn how to communicate rather than blame each other? Love I must mention this too because it’s also important in relationships. Love has been abused, misused and is the most used word in relationship. Love is not a one-way street; it’s not only about you. Most guys and ladies look for people that love them (so they say!) but it’s usually for selfish reasons. That’s why there a lot of breakups- many people are looking for a partner that will satisfy them or will make them feel comfortable and happy. I don’t blame people for having this kind of mindset; nobody wants to get hurt and we all have a right to a happy life even if we have to live with another person but that’s not what love is. It’s a two way track; both partners must work towards making each other happy. I agree with Gary Chapman, “love is a verb”. Yes it’s an action and not just a feeling. In conclusion, while I do appreciate the tips and self-help guides, there is no one-size-fits-all strategy when it comes to enjoying a relationship. It all starts with communication.  
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This article was first published on 21st September 2012 and updated on September 25th, 2012 at 4:43 pm

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