Sometimes, saying what’s in our heart and expressing ourselves can be a bit tricky. We worry about coming on too strong or not being taken seriously, but the risk of not sticking up for ourselves when interacting with others can leave us feeling like failures; make us feel stressed and dissatisfied when the conflict gets resolved. In other to build meaningful, healthy relationships with people, we need to be honest, direct and respectful in communicating our beliefs, opinions, feelings, wants and needs. It’s called being assertive.
Let’s take a classical example. For instance, you work in a company whose employment letter said you would be on probation for three months and after that, your salary would be reviewed, and you would become a full-time staff. It has been six months, and your salary has not been increased, neither have you received a letter stating a change of your status. The fear of being seen as rude or overambitious may make you resist the urge to speak up. But chances are if you keep quiet, you will begin to react on the job by being sloppy, angry or non-committed. Then woe betide you the day your boss raises his voice at you for something you know you are not to be blamed for. It’s possible you will erupt, and it may cost you your job eventually.
Rather than wait until things get out of hand, there are some key factors you have to address in other to communicate effectively and get the best possible outcomes from your relationship with others.
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Understand your Personality
Are you a Thinker, Doer or Feeler? Thinkers are methodical planners who enjoy one-on-one relationships. Doers are more task-oriented and enjoy physical activities (I.e. being busy), while Feelers are active initiators who value interpersonal relationships/emotions. Knowing how you operate allows you to understand why you are more assertive in certain situations than others and gives room for growth.
Always think win-win. To create positive outcomes, you must have positive expectations. Tell yourself positive things. Visualize yourself acting assertively and getting the right results you long for.
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Take responsibility for your feelings
Don’t blame others for how you feel or blame yourself for how others respond to you. People have the right to choose whether to respond or react.
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Express yourself accurately
When you want something or want something done for you, use direct requests. When pointing out a flaw, use fact-based descriptions (don’t exaggerate/be judgemental). Mind your choice of words, how you say them and your body language cues because people use them to decode the message you are sending and reinforce your values or speech. Saying one thing when your body is saying another, sends mix messages that may confuse whoever is listening to you.
Choose an assertive communication style that suits your intentions and personality and practice it. If you care about people’s feelings, use eye contact and a warm disposition when telling them what you want after acknowledging their feelings. If you are result-oriented, be firm (not harsh) and let your facial expression be one of purpose or concentration. If you like dealing in facts, be polite and let your expression be alert and thoughtful; show no emotions. And if you are an emotionally expressive person, be as animated as possible with your face, voice range, body and hand movements.
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Record progress and Reward yourself
Keep a journal or have a friend who you share your victories/experiences with that can help you reflect and improve on your choices for next time.
No one consistently stands up for what they believe, because sometimes, compromises have to be made for the ‘greater good.’ So don’t be too hard on yourself. Go out there and conquer your world one step at a time.
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This article was first published on 17th October 2017
ann
Ann Esievoadje is a freelance writer who is passionate about encouraging a reading culture and personal development. She has authored two books, The Quilt (fiction) and Being Mummy and Me (non-fiction). She manages Pulchra Publishing which offers a content creation/editing, transcription, different forms of writing (including Ghostwriting) service and her blog, Life Love and Anything Goes at annesievoadje.blogspot.com.ng. You can reach her at annesievoadje@gmail.com
Comments (2)
These are steps to knowing oneself.
To stand up for yourself (that is to be assertive), you must understand who you are and how you would naturally react in certain circumstances so you’ll know the areas you need to work on. If you aren’t honest with yourself about your feelings and beliefs/opinions, you can’t be honest with others when expressing it. Point 3 – 6 are the practical ways to be assertive, but if you want more, I can do a follow-up article on assertiveness just for you (if you say the word).