SIXTEEN years ago, I misconstrued serving God to mean, ministering in the notable roles of the church e.g ushering, choir, pastoral care and any form of leadership. Their efforts appeared to receive more recognition when compared to others. My heart was foolishly geared towards public admiration rather than appreciating where God needed me to be.
I anticipated this feeling for quite a while because it seemed like the ultimate way to live a fulfilled life. Soon, everything changed after an unforgettable taste of ‘pulpit pressure’.
I was a regular and committed member of a very vibrant church in Lagos and rarely missed Sunday house fellowships. Some years later, I was appointed the leader of the group and soon became acquainted with one of the zonal heads.
We were friends until he began to take a liking to me and eventually revealed his admirable intention. Initially, I was quite smitten because, the solemnisation between two church leaders, could only be part of a divine plan. It would signify the beginning of greater things and the privilege of rising to a higher calling. Or wouldn’t it?
But there was one big problem. Deep down; the feeling was far from mutual. Although his physical and spiritual attributes were most impressive; handsome, tall, responsible, employed, plus he ran a sizable business, and most importantly, he was a fervent and ‘tongue speaking’ Christian brother, something else was lacking and I knew,exactly what it was.
I did not love him even though he had almost everything I desired in a husband. The more time we spent together, the lesser became my fondness for him. Our outings seemed more like a duty to the church than a date. Friends admired us and were keen to see us tie the knot. Some were convinced, it was a match made in heaven and had God’s seal of approval. Everyone was thrilled except me, but I couldn’t bear the thought of not following through with this fairy tale.
As more people got wind of our supposed relationship, the stronger the conviction grew within me. I was advised to accept God’s will and avoid toying with my divine destiny. A close friend said she wouldn’t even think twice if she was in my shoe. Another close friend of my intended fiancé sternly advised that if I disappointed his friend that he would not forgive me.
I was not only confused, but had also become apprehensive. The pressure was unjustifiable and weighed me down. In church, I was a different person because I tried to become what some hoped me to be, a ‘pulpit’ wife’. I had bitten more than I could chew and now, it was becoming extremely hard to swallow. Soon I would have to tell myself and the promising man, the bitter and unpleasant truth.
I prayed about it but also had to examine reasons for my intended response. Why was I trying to please everyone and yet, somehow felt I was about to make a huge mistake? Will marrying a church leader guarantee a happy marriage? Would I be able to withstand the pressure of being married to this man or just excited to be in the limelight of spiritual stardom? Most importantly, did I want this man, the way he wanted me?
Sadly, I had to bare my heart and put an end to what many thought would lead to holy matrimony. The man was heartbroken and pleaded with me to reconsider. But I couldn’t marry him and certainly, not for the wrong reason. However, I was relieved, knowing that purpose can be fulfilled regardless of role or title. You just need to wholeheartedly serve and appreciate where God needs you to be.
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