How to Raise a Rotten Nigerian

Children are the leaders of tomorrow. They are also the insensitive, fraudulent, unconscionably corrupt politicians, public servants and citizens of tomorrow. They are the ones who will ruin countless lives by looting whatever is left of our treasury without flinching. They are the ones who will use their office to make cringe-worthy pronouncements, and laugh at same. They are the ones who, when elected into public office, will spend their time making senseless videos to upload on social media while whole sections of the nation are slaughtered.

Want to raise some of these?

Don’t worry, you don’t have to do much. It has more to do with the things you don’t do. For starters, never say ‘No’ to them. You know that human wants are insatiable, but make no attempt to curb material greed in your child. From a very young age, allow them to be enslaved by instant gratification and consumerism. Everything they want, they should get as long as you can afford it, and they should get it now. They must never learn to wait for anything, whip out your card quick! You know how you suffered when you were growing up? How there was barely any, or just enough food to eat and you had to learn to do without a lot of things? Now is the time to compensate for your past deprivations. Some people will accuse you of overcompensating but what do they know? If you’re not spending enough time with your children, that is all the more reason to placate them with “stuff”. Buying lots of things for your children equals showering them with love and affection. The more time you spend away from them, the more toys and gadgets you should present them with. And please, if your child tells you that someone (or everyone!) in their class owns a particular toy or gadget, hasten to buy it for them whether you can afford it or not. Your children are entitled to everything you can buy (or scrimp to buy), make sure they know this.

When your children start to measure their worth by what they have and judge others by what they don’t have, avoid correcting them.

Don’t regulate their TV viewing. Allow them to plunk themselves in front of the TV for the most part of the day, self-absorbed and oblivious to the real world. This has the added advantage of exposing them to even more enticing advertisements so they can have more and more things to things to demand from you. Don’t teach them gratitude. Don’t say thank you to them, lest they pick it up from you. And if they don’t say thank you when you or someone else gives them something, don’t try to instill the habit. They’re such precious little darlings after all, they deserve the best this world has to offer so why learn to be thankful? Make no attempt whatsoever to raise their awareness about the plight of others. All that putting clothes and provisions together for the less privileged, or visiting orphanages, is overdoing things. Don’t encourage it, and if your child’s school is doing it they should skip school on those days. Don’t teach them to put themselves in others’ shoes or consider others’ feelings. Don’t teach them to respect all human beings regardless of ethnicity, race, status or religion. If they believe they’re better than others, then they probably are, you know? After all, all fingers are not equal. Don’t treat your domestic staff kindly; this is one way children learn kindness and we don’t want them to be soft, or think that rubbing shoulders with the poor is okay. If all of this is too hard, then take this summary: try not to do the right thing as children learn from your example, and try not to do any actual parenting at all. Just keep busy with whatever it is that keeps you busy, and allow the children to grow up on their own, you know, like weeds. This way, we can ensure that our leadership in all spheres and on all levels continues just as it is now, and maybe even attains greater heights of impunity and tomfoolery. Happy non-parenting!

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This article was first published on 13th April 2018

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