I designed the image below for a friend who is currently having marital problems. I couldn’t find the right words to tell her especially after hearing the whole story and realizing that her interpretation and ideology of marriage was completely different from what marriage actually stands for.
Most people believe that the moment after saying ‘I DO’ that’s about it – no turning back. They are wrong! I am married, so I know better than that. Whether or not I am still learning (like you might have thought) doesn’t make all I know now any less. Let me take this one line at a time:
Contrary to popular beliefs, walking away doesn’t make you a coward. You should walk away when you have lost your sense of security. You should walk away when you are not being met halfway. You should walk away from that marriage when it no longer fulfills the terms and conditions that comes with being married, which is 1 + 1 = 1 … When that equation becomes 2, Yes! Walking away doesn’t make you a coward but a realist.
Sometimes being a quitter is a great thing. Saying NO MORE to a physically abusive spouse, saying NO MORE to psychological torment and abuse, saying NO MORE to enduring a spouse’s infidelity, saying NO MORE to giving the whole of you and getting nothing in return, saying NO MORE to hoping that things would change when in fact they never will, does not make you a quitter. It takes a lot of courage and strength to say NO MORE.
Happiness is a choice. Some people believe that when you get married, you automatically have to place your personal wants and happiness aside and do everything you can (even if it means compromising your happiness) to keep your partner happy. Well, they are wrong. If your partner feels as strongly as you feel for him or her, then, he or she would never put you in a position where you have to compromise your happiness to keep him or her happy. Everyone (married or not) has a right and deserves to be happy. If and when you choose to be happy irrespective of your marriage, it doesn’t make you a selfish person.
Who doesn’t want to be taken care of? Who doesn’t want wealth and riches? Why do people flock churches that preach more on ‘prosperity’ than salvation? Why would an average responsible man wait to have a job and a house before getting married? To answer all the questions above, the average man wants comfortability! And if wanting to be comfortable in your marriage is being misinterpreted as being materialistic, then you can’t help anyone with such an opinion about you. You MUST be comfortable in that marriage. One of your spouse’s (whether husband or wife) responsibilities is caring and ensuring your comfort. Where there is discomfort, there will be scorn.
Lately, I discovered that not all couples work and play as a team. At first, I couldn’t understand it because that goes against everything marriage is actually about. Until I met a couple who were having some major marital drama and then it hit me! He had decided to ‘do HIM’ instead of walking out of his marriage. Now, the fact that you recognize that your marriage is heading for the rocks and you choose to stay instead of walking does not mean you should lose your sanity. When you choose to ‘do YOU’ – that means, you are placing YOU above that marriage. Some might argue that instead of doing that, it is better to walk away. If you have never been married, then you are allowed to think that way. Marriage is simple and complicated at the same time; and NOT for the weak-hearted. In a marriage with peculiar circumstances, you are allowed to ‘do YOU’ and that will not make you less of a team player.
Marriage is really just like any institution. You learn along the way. You have to use your heart and brain to guide you through it. If you choose to drop out of that institution because you are failing or you can’t keep up, oh well, that’s life … but do not lose your sanity all in the name of marriage. It is not worth it! Strange but true.
Photo Credit: Erniesha Tibs and blackdoctor.org
About the Writer: Erniesha Tibs is a wife, a fashion lover, a student, a radio host and reality blogger. As always, I strongly believe in respecting people. RESPECTING OTHERS is what got me this far in Life. Follow me on instagram @ernieshatibs. Website – www.everydaytibs.blogspot.com and www.facebook.com/Everydaytibs
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Wow! Nice to be here!!! IWWIATLTKSN…
Mama T you’ve said it all, Every marriage should be unique. I mean there shouldn’t be a better yesterday when it comes to marriage.. The bible said the path of the just is as a shining light, that shines on to a perfect day. Tho I’m not married, I’m clearly stating my opinion of what a marriage should look like. Relationship between two opposite sex involves working towards perfection
Nice one Mama T
Very correct Mami. People should be willing to work out of an unsatisfying marriage.
Marriage this days are endured and I wonder why it’s so, isn’t it meant to be enjoyed??? When a person isn’t getting the desired happiness from a particular investment, that person should quit, it takes strength to quit btw which makes the quitter far from being a coward, if on the other hand there’s a feeling of hope in the marriage, staying to fight more wouldn’t be a bad idea but it’s important to know when to run.
I just came to learn. LOL. Nicely said hun, and I agree totally with the poster you made for your friend.
Mami this is a wonderful write up.
If you try to fix your marriage and notice significant improvement from your spouse, then you could try harder and be a little patient. But if you try and see nothing and you know you have given your best then I guess it’s okay to take a break
feeling caged in a marriage isn’t marriage, it’s confinement, it’s jail time. And contrary to what people say, a wedding ring shouldn’t feel like a handcuff. Yes it’s okay to be considerate in marriage, to struggle and fight for your marriage and it isn’t always good to be selfish and think of only your interests. However it isn’t okay to just sit in a marriage because of some rule that says “once you say I do, you can’t say I won’t”. That is only going to take the fun out of the marriage and make it seem more like a duty. No one loves a duty especially when it’s forced, it becomes annoying….
Once again nice write up mami. You did a great job. #TTT family anyday