Nearly everyone who has ever paid attention to relationships and marriage has heard that they require “work”. If you want your relationship to remain strong, you need to “work” at it. If you’re like me, the sound of that is discouraging. I already have work and I don’t need more. Shouldn’t relationships be fun?
Yes, they actually should be fun, and thankfully I’ve discovered that the famous “work” relationships require simply boils down to making sure that both parties involved are having fun, as opposed to only one person having fun at the other’s expense, or neither partner having any fun at all.
Once I had it broken down like that, it became easier to practice. I discovered that this is where the phrase “work smart, not hard” really applies. The times where I’m blissfully happy aren’t the times where my partner and I have arranged some surprise party or other grand gesture. Rather, they’re the result of these simple tips:
1. Good relationship habits. Great meals have recipes, and even though you can tweak and spice up from time to time, the basics remain the same. I’ve found this to be true in relationships. In the early days when passion is at an incredible high, these habits tend to come naturally. Checking on each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night, wanting to know how the work day was, inquiring what was for lunch, holding hands and hugging, being lavish with compliments, etc. The work part is to continue these habits even when the “initial gra-gra” has inevitably waned.
2. Doing stuff together. This is the most effective “work” for me personally, and the most difficult. Running an editing and transcription business, writing 30 articles every month, planning and preparing meals, managing a blog and several social media accounts, groups and pages, raising a toddler, fulfilling my spiritual obligations, maintaining my friendships, and servicing my voracious appetite for books, leave my husband at the bottom of the ladder. There’s no witch to catch when the relationship is unsatisfactory. The work part is putting my husband at the top of this list (something’s gotta give, no doubt about that) instead of giving him leftover scraps of time and energy. It usually looks something like putting my book down to watch one of his favourite shows with him (which has the advantage of giving us fresh things to discuss) or choosing an evening of cuddles, back rubs and gist over whatever the Queen of the Coast has served on Twitter. It works like magic every time; passion, love, and romance are never really that far away. You won’t get a fire going if the pieces of firewood stay far apart. Together, people. Together.
3. Buying small gifts. The way his face lights up when I buy him his favourite bar of chocolate makes me understand afresh that it’s not really about what you spend. He can walk into the supermarket and buy 10 for himself. What counts is the thought. Gadgets, jewellery, and other expensive gifts are wonderful, but so are the tiny ones that simply say “I was thinking of you.” What’s more, they’re easier to do! It’s even sweeter when you both go through the routine of “close your eyes”. Even if all you open your eyes to see is your favourite artiste’s latest CD, the work is done.
There are many other little things that keep the candle burning, but it all comes down to one thing. The “work” is about knowing what makes you and your partner happy and doing those things as much and as often as you can. When you keep the flame ever bright in this way, you keep “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and other cousins of boredom and monotony at bay. No matter how hard or stressful it looks, breakups and divorce are harder and much more stressful. So work happily!
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