VIRGINITY: Till Marriage or Till Love?

By Bernice Alhassan.

The issue of keeping one’s virginity till marriage has become a very controversial one in recent times; especially among ladies. For the guys, nobody seems to care much. After all, they say it’s a man’s world. Unfortunately, it is one of the several values which seem to be fading real fast. Growing up, a lady’s virginity used to be sacred and letting go of it before marriage was not even negotiable. It was kind of like the first gift given after marriage. The feeling of knowing he was the first was considered priceless. Parents were seen to have won a trophy when their daughter is confirmed a virgin on her wedding night. Some traditions even demanded that the couple bring the bed sheet (which usually is white in colour) on which the marriage was consummated as a sign. A blood stain on the bed spread signified the lady was a virgin and otherwise, the parents would have to bear the shame. In others, the groom’s family would send a full gourd of palm wine to the bride’s parents as a sign that the bride was intact, and so on. Such was the esteem with which virginity was held. It was a thing of virtue and represented high moral standards. Things have however changed in recent times. I once heard a joke that said Dracular used to feed on the blood of virgins in the 1980s but with the advancement of this new millennium, Dracular died of starvation. We live in a society where morals and values pretty much go down the drain every day. Instead of no sex till marriage, it is no sex till love. What can we say to all these things? There are a lot of opinions out there. Some schools of thought say they’ll rather test and see before they go into marriage. They put forth certain questions like “what if I discover my spouse and I are not sexually compatible?” or “what if I get married first, only to find out that my husband has some sort of sexual dysfunction?” and so on; the questions are endless. I think some of these issues arise as a result of a lack of honesty and open mindedness in relationships. Okay, I feel like several people are thinking “honesty could definitely cost me my relationship” but then isn’t it better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage? My opinion is whoever doesn’t love you enough to stick around most likely isn’t worth it. Because, there are times when these sexual issues rise a couple of years into the marriage, what then? Other schools of thought raise the question of inexperience after the marriage and all. A colleague of mine once mentioned he stayed 12 days into his marriage without him or his wife knowing what to do. I had a good laugh but stuff like that happen. Besides, what some people seem to forget is that they were once virgins. So what stops a married virgin from learning? These days, there are countless resources at your disposal. As a matter of fact, we live in a society where sex is overrated and is fast losing value. This is because of abuse. Every advert on TV these days seems to incorporate some form of sex appeal into it. One would wonder what the link is between a juice ad and sex. Yet another school of thought brings up the issue of fertility. You hear questions like “what if she’s barren?” or “what if he’s impotent?” What more can I say? It is God who gives children. Several medical procedures are available to check all these things but then, the real question here is “why do you want to get married?” For companionship, kids, love, food…? Why? When you get married for the wrong reasons, trouble is inevitable. Now, I understand the society has sunk a lot of ideas into our heads about sex and marriage. They say being a virgin after a certain age puts you at a disadvantage when dating; you are a lot less ‘sexier’ some may say. A lot of questions go swimming through your mind; Am I still desirable? Can a sexy, smart, successful woman with a big V on her chest still find her Prince Charming? Etc. I say virginity honours womanhood. On the other hand however, virginity doesn’t make anyone necessarily pure or perfect. I’ve seen a lot of peeps who I assume to be virgins because they say so yet they do a lot of nasty things. People shouldn’t base their moral judgments on that alone. Keeping your virginity, whether male or female, should be based on personal decision and belief. However, choosing to do so is a good thing not only morally, but also because even research has found out that married couples who waited till marriage actually have better sex. After all is said and done, my take on the issue is simple: don’t let society, especially this society, dictate how you should live your life. If you are a virgin, why are you a virgin? Is it high moral standard or a ‘lack of opportunity’, as some would say? Find that out for yourself.    

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This article was first published on 27th September 2012

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