She Says: When The Parents Get “Too” Involved

Parents. Love them or hate them, they’re great at being active in our lives. One minute they’re watching it all play out from a distance, and the next, they’re front-row participants. With their “been there, done that” insights on life and relationships – along with the signs to show for it including wrinkles – it’s no surprise that we’re automatically inclined to turn to them for advice on relationship issues and more. However, I’ve had my fair share of interesting stories on the damage super-involved parents can do to relationships. A guy was once forced to break up with his girlfriend of two years because his parents received “a word” that she was an Ogbanje. Another person saw her 7-year old relationship come to a sudden halt, thanks to her boyfriend’s aunts, who were quick to point out her faults before they made things official. These tales point us to the fact that even the best of long-term relationships can end tragically if we don’t balance out parents’ involvement in our love lives. With this in mind, how involved is too involved? What role are we to allow them play when things are serious? Here are my two cents on the matter: 1. Be accountable to someone: I’m all for the idea of you being accountable to a wise, godly and respectful individual. In fact, I will appreciate you more for it because it shows that you’re serious about us and possibly taking things to the next level. Let him be a mentor of sorts, and steer you in the right direction when it comes to making decisions. But… 2. Don’t be a tell-tale: It’s hurtful when guys “report” their girlfriends or wives to family members. It’s one thing to ask for advice on a certain issue that may be going on between us, and another to vent about my hand in the matter behind my back. All stories have two sides to them, and without a doubt, your family will take your side and see me in a bad light. What’s even worse – when the argument is over, and we’ve made up, that issue will always be a point of reference for them. 3. I am not your Mum: Issues also arise when men compare the two most important women in their lives – their mother and girlfriend/wife. It’s even more hurtful when family members are allowed to do so too. It’s not fair to me, and can end up making me resent you for a long time. Understand that I can’t catch up with her years of experience as a woman, partner, mother and even cook, in the short term. Please, remember to see us as two individuals with different personalities and points of view. 4. Take advice for its worth: No one swallows chewing gum intentionally, right? We chew it, take out its flavour (the good stuff) and toss off the rest. It’s the same thing with advice. Say no to “copying and pasting” any form of advice given, no matter how trustworthy and wise its source is. Always take a step back, analyze the new info you have, and apply it as you deem fit. Remember, you know me more than anyone else.     Would you like to get involved in the conversation? Do you have relationship tips you would like to share? How do you think parents can be prevented from getting too involved? We want to hear your opinion! Please share them in the comments section or send a mail to editor(at)connectnigeria(dot)com       Photo Credit: blackstonehc.com     About the Writer: Ify Halim is a writer and media enthusiast based in Lagos. She enjoys writing self-help/inspirational articles with published work in UYD Magazine, Edufrica, Our Stories Inc. and The Keele Concourse. She currently works at ConnectNigeria.com, Nigeria’s Information Portal. Follow her on Twitter @MissHalim or visit her online space at ifyhalim.wordpress.com

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This article was first published on 25th May 2015

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