By Joy Ehonwa.
English is a handicapped language, and nowhere is this more obvious than when it comes to the word “love”. People value relationships with people for different reasons. Like sex, for example. Some may think “it’s just sex”, but it is an extremely powerful thing that binds people together at least for a while. In fact, I get upset whenever I’m reminded how sexual passion gets mistaken for, or even deliberately called, “love” all the time.
John Mayer said of Jessica Simpson after their break up—this is a slightly modified version: ‘That girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to have sex with you, I would start selling all my stuff just to keep sleeping with you.”
He would sell all his stuff for that! And how the “I love yous’” must have been flying! I mean, how ridiculous is it that a man who is simply dying to make love to you forever, and your father who would give you the shirt off his back or take a bullet for you without even thinking about it, both get to say to you, “I love you”? It’s crap, I tell you.
Whereas a better developed language like Greek has four different words for distinct feelings, “love” is the blanket that covers them all in English. The Greek have:
“Phileo”, an affection that could denote friendship, brotherhood or generally non-sexual affection,
“Eros” which refers to sexual, romantic and intimate love,
“Storge” which is also called familial love—a word for natural affection such as the love of a parent toward a child and
“Agape” which is selfless and unconditional love, the kind Jesus Christ encouraged amongst his followers.
The English Language however translates these all as simply one word: “love”.
One can only imagine how uncomplicated relationships would be if we could all say exactly what we felt, instead of just saying “I love you” or having to come up with annoying phrases like “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
Ironically, even if we had these different words in English, it still wouldn’t guarantee anything. Feelings are and always will be complicated.
Years ago, as an undergraduate, I fell hard for an extremely gifted young man. I did “Agape” him, especially as a fellow believer in Christ (and still do), but I was also deeply infatuated with him. He, however, wasn’t smitten with me. I’m a cheerful friendly person so, of course, he did like me. And he did feel a certain fondness for me—something that could have been brotherly, except that it wasn’t. Still, I was the one he confided in about his dreams, his plans, and his emotions, even about his women. I’m sure you are thinking I’d been “friend-zoned”, a conclusion which I was already coming to when one day, after we’d been friends for over a year, he surprised me by asking me to be his girlfriend.
Given our closeness, most people thought it was about time, but I was taken by surprise and a bit worried. We’d become very close and he did admit that I was his number one cheerleader and “one-woman support team”, and that he cared about me “deeply”, but I knew he wasn’t in love with me. I just knew it. The fact that he wanted to be around me so much, to hold me and kiss me and talk with me for endless hours, didn’t take away that knowing. It was just there. I did say yes though, and then broke it off a week later when I confronted him with my “knowing” and he admitted: ‘Joy, if there’s anything I’m looking for in a woman, you’re it. You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re sexy, you’re funny…I just don’t know why I’m not in love with you.” With the bitter truth out there like that, the only option was to return to being friends.
The fact is there are many things people feel for each other which no language has been able to name. The best we can hope for is maturity (and God’s help, for those who are spiritually inclined) to deal with such situations with grace.
In the end, we may find it is not any of these “loves” we feel at all; it may just be emotional attachment. It is a normal part of human nature to get attached to people we spend time with, especially those who take care of us in one way or another. All kinds of trouble start when men and women cannot define their relationships clearly. People get led on, betrayed and hurt, all because “love” is all we have, and some people would rather not use the word if they’re not sure, while others throw it about, not caring what meaning it would hold for the other person.
Let’s take time to know what we really feel, and when we do, let’s have the courage to be honest and say it. “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for in this the Law and the Prophets are summed up.”
About the Author
Joy Ehonwa is a writer specialising in documentary scripts. She is passionate about self development and relationships. You can read her blog at www.anafricandiva.blogspot.com, send her an email at joiegal@yahoo.com, and follow her on Twitter @joysuo.
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This article was first published on 12th June 2012 and updated on June 18th, 2012 at 4:13 pm
Comments (108)
English is a handicapped language, and nowhere is this more obvious than when it comes to the word “love”. People value relationships with people for different reasons. Like sex, for example. Some may think “it’s just sex”, but it is an extremely powerful thing that binds people together at least for a while. In fact, I get upset whenever I’m reminded how sexual passion gets mistaken for, or even deliberately called, “love” all the time.
John Mayer said of Jessica Simpson after their break up—this is a slightly modified version: ‘That girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to have sex with you, I would start selling all my stuff just to keep sleeping with you.”
He would sell all his stuff for that! And how the “I love yous’” must have been flying! I mean, how ridiculous is it that a man who is simply dying to make love to you forever, and your father who would give you the shirt off his back or take a bullet for you without even thinking about it, both get to say to you, “I love you”? It’s crap, I tell you.
Whereas a better developed language like Greek has four different words for distinct feelings, “love” is the blanket that covers them all in English. The Greek have:
“Phileo”, an affection that could denote friendship, brotherhood or generally non-sexual affection,
“Eros” which refers to sexual, romantic and intimate love,
“Storge” which is also called familial love—a word for natural affection such as the love of a parent toward a child and
“Agape” which is selfless and unconditional love, the kind Jesus Christ encouraged amongst his followers.
The English Language however translates these all as simply one word: “love”.
One can only imagine how uncomplicated relationships would be if we could all say exactly what we felt, instead of just saying “I love you” or having to come up with annoying phrases like “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
Ironically, even if we had these different words in English, it still wouldn’t guarantee anything. Feelings are and always will be complicated.
Years ago, as an undergraduate, I fell hard for an extremely gifted young man. I did “Agape” him, especially as a fellow believer in Christ (and still do), but I was also deeply infatuated with him. He, however, wasn’t smitten with me. I’m a cheerful friendly person so, of course, he did like me. And he did feel a certain fondness for me—something that could have been brotherly, except that it wasn’t. Still, I was the one he confided in about his dreams, his plans, and his emotions, even about his women. I’m sure you are thinking I’d been “friend-zoned”, a conclusion which I was already coming to when one day, after we’d been friends for over a year, he surprised me by asking me to be his girlfriend.
Given our closeness, most people thought it was about time, but I was taken by surprise and a bit worried. We’d become very close and he did admit that I was his number one cheerleader and “one-woman support team”, and that he cared about me “deeply”, but I knew he wasn’t in love with me. I just knew it. The fact that he wanted to be around me so much, to hold me and kiss me and talk with me for endless hours, didn’t take away that knowing. It was just there. I did say yes though, and then broke it off a week later when I confronted him with my “knowing” and he admitted: ‘Joy, if there’s anything I’m looking for in a woman, you’re it. You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re sexy, you’re funny…I just don’t know why I’m not in love with you.” With the bitter truth out there like that, the only option was to return to being friends.
The fact is there are many things people feel for each other which no language has been able to name. The best we can hope for is maturity (and God’s help, for those who are spiritually inclined) to deal with such situations with grace.
In the end, we may find it is not any of these “loves” we feel at all; it may just be emotional attachment. It is a normal part of human nature to get attached to people we spend time with, especially those who take care of us in one way or another. All kinds of trouble start when men and women cannot define their relationships clearly. People get led on, betrayed and hurt, all because “love” is all we have, and some people would rather not use the word if they’re not sure, while others throw it about, not caring what meaning it would hold for the other person.
Let’s take time to know what we really feel, and when we do, let’s have the courage to be honest and say it. “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for in this the Law and the Prophets are summed up.”
This is a very important issue you have raised here Joy. Miscommunication and misunderstanding are serious relationship killers! If it is clear what people feel and want from each other from the beginning (either because they are using precise terms rather than the increasing vague “I love you”) then we might save a significant number of hearts from breaking around the world. It is complicated….and any guy/girl with an insincere or dubious agenda can easily exploit (and they sure do) the opaque nature of the word. It does take maturity to work its way through the terminologies to the root of the matter. And sadly, by the time some people realise there is disparity in meaning they are months or years into a relationship and can sometimes think it is better to keep going than to turn back 🙁 Nice article as usual 🙂
Oh, preach it sister! The English language is so handicapped. However, I wonder- even if we had a plethora of love words, if guys/babes would cut down and the deception and use them…
Handicapped the english language may be, or what ever, the message I do think you are trying to pass here is more deeply directed towards expression of our feelings towards ourselves weather it is between lovers, friends, families or even between members of a spiritual group.
I still think that these feelings can be expressed via our actions. It is grossly apologisable when we think we love someone emotionally and probably, sensually and yet the other party has what we may call superficial love for the other, it may take maturity for both parties to come to an emotional truce. Most times there may be a compromise of remaining friends but in rare occasion, feelings grow.
I’ve always been an advocate of, at one point during whatever relationship we think we are in we should both sit down and talk about it so we decide what next.
As for the english language, it is very flexible and probably the most flexible language around. We just might have entrants into the lingua explaining the right meaning of our feelings. As for now, “I love You” remains acceptable.
“It is a normal part of human nature to get attached to people we spend time with, especially those who take care of us in one way or another. All kinds of trouble start when men and women cannot define their relationships clearly. People get led on, betrayed and hurt…”
I wish every young person would be taught this.
Lovely article, darling.
Just remebered when people not knowing the difference for themselves had led me on… Yea, a lot of self reflection is needed to help define love between two people. I might have led people on too because I liked talking to them. Its difficult but doable!!!
Hmmm
God will help us all.
I don’t have it figured out
I know I want to walk in love towards all men, and women too
Interesting. The question arises for me though: how important is it for two people in a relationship to be in love? I think the most important thing is for them to love each other. I think that’s more important than being in love. I say this because I think there are toxic relationships that simply cannot work where both parties are in love. Being in love is not enough to make a relationship work. Loving is doing, being in love is feeling, and doing trumps feeling any day because it requires the exercise of the will. Love at its best is an act of will.
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