Use fake makeup products
When a client looks into your makeup suitcase make sure that all they find are; Zalon, Tala, Classik, BlakkUp, and Miranee products. Ignore the actual brands because they’re overrated anyway. Use these counterfeits on your client’s face and if they react badly to it and end up in an emergency room with a swollen face, blame their skin because it is definitely not your fault. Do not call to find out why they didn’t hire you the next time, are they the only ones with faces in this life?Call yourself a professional after one class
Attend a makeup class with an attitude. You’ve watched a lot of YouTube videos and so you’re already good. You’re only attending a class to fulfil all righteousness. When you walk out of that class, begin to introduce yourself as an MUA. Change your Facebook and Instagram ‘About’ to ‘professional MUA’. Steal pictures from the internet and put them up as yours. After all you can achieve those looks; if only you had your own clients.Do not network with other makeup artists
Make sure you do not make friends with a makeup artist because they’re out to get you. They will come at night and do witchy things to destroy your talent. Worst of all, is you attending a workshop for Makeup Artists. Why would you do that? It’s not like you would learn anything you don’t already know. They say workshops are for networking too, but what do you need to network for, you already have an Instagram account that’ll get you all the clients you need.Research? What’s that?
Do not follow up on the trends because any makeup artist coming up with better methods is just too lazy to do real art. Real art is the way you’re doing it now. Do not use your Google to read up on improvements. Do not ask questions when you see someone doing it differently. Keep on doing it the way your grandmother taught you even if your client ends up looking like Ugly Betty. Is beauty not in the eyes of the beholder?Pile as much makeup as you can
This one is really simple. Pile as much makeup on your client’s face as you can. Pile until he/she begins to look like a decorated corpse. Then pile some more.Don’t invest in the right tools
Who needs makeup brushes when you have your fingers? Use your thumb to apply your foundation, your middle finger for your concealer, your ring finger for your eyeshadow, and your pinky for your lipstick. See? No need for any tools whatsoever. If your client complains of your nails scratching their face, tell them that beauty is pain.Ignore your personal hygiene
Most weddings in Nigeria are in the mornings. So does the bride actually expect you to have your bath and brush your teeth early in the morning? Why would you do that? Are you the one getting married? If your client complains that your breath smells and so she can’t breathe, or that your armpit in her face stinks, tell her to close her nose. After all she hired you to do her makeup not to control your life.Manners? When you have talent?
Arrive your client’s place with a chip on your shoulder. Ignore the butler that opens the door; snub the client’s friend who commends your work; snap at your client when she keeps turning her head, in fact, slap her head if she turns it too many times. If the client says she doesn’t like the red lips, tell her that you give all your celebrity clients red lips and they love it. Who is she not to like it?Do not listen to your client at all
If your client describes the look they want, ignore them totally and do what you think is best anyway. Do not even ask her opinion, just do it. If she doesn’t like it when you’re done, force her to agree that she’s beautiful and send her off unhappy. You don’t need to satisfy your clients for them to come back. I assure you, if you follow these tips, you’ll never be counted as one of the successful makeup artists, and most of your clients might probably end up looking like her:
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Okay I’m actually getting some excruciating pain from excessive laughter. This is so amazing.For makeup? It’s all in the attention to details. Well written dear.Thumbs up.
ROTFL, well done. Lovely write-up and so true. (y)