By Adebola Fauzziyah Oreagba
Can people who once claimed to be in love eventually fall out of love? Some will say “NO, people who are sincerely in love cannot fall out of love. If they do, then they were probably never in love.” I used to think so too, until recently when I started hearing a lot of cases like someone moving out of her matrimonial home for the simple reason that she has fallen out of love with her husband. Amazingly, more people believe that couples do fall out of love. A divorcée (male) said,
“Love like all other things is not without a life span. So you need to nurture it to keep it alive for as long as possible. Falling out of love happens when you stop working at it.”
Thinking about it, I have realized that love does not just STOP. It dies a gradual death. Different people have listed different factors that may lead to falling out of love, amongst which are infidelity, boredom, giving attention outside the relationship, individual level of forgiveness, inability to meet (financial, sexual, communication, companionship) needs, when one partner stops being who they used to be, etc. The list cannot be exhausted.
I believe all of these can be categorised under three basic umbrellas; sexual disconnection, emotional disconnection and physical disconnection.
Sexual Disconnection
This is when one or both parties stop feeling any form of sexual attraction towards the other. This has nothing to do with libido, as the sexual urge is still there but the affected party is not interested in satisfying this urge through his/her partner. When this starts and nothing is done, it can get as bad as the affected party feeling repulsion when touched by his/her partner. For example, at the initial stage of your relationship, certain touches from your partner get you sexually activated. Then there comes a time in this relationship when the same action from your spouse only sends feelings of irritation and disgust through your body. This could be a sign that you are becoming sexually disconnected from this person, except of course, there are other actions by same person that still continue to give you sexual pleasure. That is just one example. One thing that could result in sexual disconnection is infidelity. When one finds out that his/her partner has been with someone else sexually, even though there may have been apologies and proclamations of forgiveness, the memory may be too strong for the affected person to ignore every time he/she is about to have sex with his/her partner.
Emotional Disconnection
This one could very easily lead to all other forms of disconnection. The fastest way to get on this particular train is getting involved in an emotional affair. When you leave your spouse and find another confidant of the opposite sex on the outside, you are heading for an emotional affair that may very well ruin your already established relationship. You want to make a decision on your job, your hair, or something is bothering you, yet you do not seek the opinion of your spouse; rather you go to this other external confidant. This third party gradually becomes your first thought whenever something comes up and you need to discuss it. Gradually, you do not even remember to inform your spouse of your weekend plans and when you are accused, you just look shocked because while telling your ‘friend’, you already felt like the necessary party has been notified. Responses like, ‘I thought I told you. In fact I am sure I did’ become common. Before you know it, you are completely disconnected from your spouse and strong feelings for this third party begin to grow. You get emotionally attached to the outside party while getting disconnected from your spouse. I am not saying it is wrong to have a confidant other than your spouse, but when you completely cut off your spouse and stop communicating, giving all of this to someone else on the outside, then that is a wrong move.
Physical Disconnection:
This is usually a transition from one or both of the aforementioned. When your spouse becomes as insignificant as a plastic cup on the kitchen slab, then you may be physically disconnected from her/him already. You are both in the living room and he/she is speaking to you yet it seems like you are ignoring what is being said to you when in the real sense, you actually are oblivious of any sound coming from him/her. The presence of your spouse means nothing at this point. You are usually not even aware of when they are around or not. Sometimes this might have started from the spouse coming home really late such that you are already in bed and maybe you only had less than 30mins in the morning before you both go your separate ways. In the long hours you are both apart, there is no form of communication. No calls or texts. This never happens automatically. It is usually gradual. It nothing is done to fix it, it eventually leads to a complete disconnection.
Being in love is such a strong feeling that it is hard to believe one can fall out of it too. Maybe one never does. Maybe what happens is a disconnection. Maybe one can try to reconnect again and thereby reactivate the love. A friend said to me,
“I read somewhere that love is like a flower- it grows and needs to be nurtured or else it dies.’ If both parties do not nurture their love, it dies. If you physically or emotionally abuse it, it dies.”
I still don’t know if I completely agree that two people who are sincerely in love can/may fall out of love. I prefer the word, disconnect. It sounds safer, and presents the option of repair. Don’t you agree?
Adebola Fauzziyah Oreagba is Lagos-based business woman, wife and mother of two. She blogs at www.phaozee-mythoughts.blogspot.com/ and tweets via @phaozy
