Recently I had to let my domestic assistant go. Although keeping up with work while taking care of my son has been challenging, I cannot deny the advantages that this opportunity to invest more of myself into raising him has afforded me. For instance, I have had time to re-evaluate the systems I had put in place earlier, and I have found that he has outgrown quite a few of them. I have become better acquainted with his favourite TV characters, and we have spent many precious moments “reading” books together.
Just yesterday I found out about an after school home for kids of parents who have to be away at work all day. The home handles picking the kids up from school, feeding them a warm meal, giving them a bath, getting their homework done, making sure they take a nap, and playing with them until their parents come to pick them up; they are open till 10pm.
While some may balk at the idea of leaving one’s kids in someone else’s care and having the caregiver supervise all these activities, the reality is that working parents with live-in help do pretty much the same thing. Even for a work-from-home mother, delegating certain parts of raising a child in order to attend to clients is inevitable.
So, what can working parents do to provide strong, loving leadership for their children?
1. Invest in your marriage: This is, I believe, one of the most vital things you can do for your children. Apart from the fact that an unhappy marriage will take its toll on the kids’ well-being, remember that you are their primary example of what a married couple should be like. So, give your kids the gift of a healthy marriage by working on it constantly.
2. Spend time with your children: For children, and even many adults, the language of love is TIME. We all know how hard it is to find time. In fact I believe it is impossible to find time; you have to make time for what’s important. Regardless of how busy you are, let your child know that they will have their time with you. They need to be able to depend on and look forward to it. When spending this time with them, be sure to focus on them; they can tell when you’re not fully present, so avoid distractions and give them quality time.
3. Manage your emotions: After a tiring day at work, and sometimes many hours spent in awful traffic, parents come home exhausted. In this state, two emotions come out to play; anger and guilt. If you find yourself transferring aggression to your children, snapping at them or disciplining them as a way to vent instead of correct, you need to watch it. It is destructive. Just as destructive is letting your children get away with improper behavior as a way of making up for not spending time with them. It is tempting to “take it easy” with your child when you feel guilty about working long hours, but the repercussions can be disastrous.
4. Supervise your children: It has been said that people don’t do what you expect but what you inspect, and this is especially true for children, who are still learning what is expected of them and what is unacceptable. You need to set guidelines, let them know what your expectations are, and follow up consistently. Bed time, study time and doing their share of the housework should be discussed and agreed on. The same goes for outings, dates and curfews. No matter how mature your children may seem, you still need to supervise them. They may complain, but they will know in their hearts that they have parents who love and care for them, and they will grow to appreciate it, albeit grudgingly.
5. Choose your caregivers carefully: We don’t need to go into details about the horrors of house-helps and nannies. A friend recently told me how her female house help had been molesting her daughter sexually. Yet another friend confided how she, as a child, had been instructed by her aunties to suck their breasts and how she still struggles with feelings of shame from having enjoyed it. Whether you’re opting for strangers or family members, you can’t be too careful when it comes to choosing caregivers. When you find a person/service/situation that works, do your best and if necessary, go the extra mile to hold on to what you’ve found.
About the writer: Joy Ehonwa is a writer, copy-editor and online proofreader who is passionate about relationships and personal development. She runs Pinpoint Creatives, a copy-editing, ghostwriting and transcription business, blogs at
www.anafricandiva.wordpress.com and
www.girlaware.wordpress.com, and tweets @JoyEhonwa
