Lisa (not real name), who has been married for only 6 months just found out that her husband has been a porn and masturbation addict for 15 years. She had always wondered why it was difficult for him to reach orgasm when they had sex. He would go on and on for two hours non-stop without ejaculating even once. At some point, she had thought that he was trying to impress (because of the general notion of the longer the better). So, she didn’t consider this a problem. She had only hoped that things would change with time and he would realize that love-making wasn’t a chore or an exercise and that there was no medal to be won in the end. But she was wrong; the problem remained for six months after their marriage. She couldn’t confide in anyone about her problem; she couldn’t imagine sharing her suspicions with any of her friends or even her husband without coming across as prude and frigid.
She read articles on ‘how to make a man climax faster’, her goal was to improve their sex life. At this point, the thought of intercourse had become daunting. The sheer amount of work required in bed was more than she could bear. One day, she unexpectedly returned early from work and found her husband masturbating. She was even more livid because he was so carried away that he didn’t even realize she’d walked in. At first, she was shocked. The shock gave way to disgust at the sight of him misbehaving. Long story cut, he confessed that the reason he could go for those long hours was that it was almost impossible for him to reach orgasm without masturbation.
I was not too surprised by this story as Lisa narrated it seated across from me; it is one I’m familiar with. Many women and men I know are in similar situations. What stunned me about this situation though, was Lisa’s display of helplessness because it’s not an unsolvable situation. Which is why I decided to share the helpful tips I shared with her to help anyone else out of this quagmire.
- DON’T FREAK OUT
My first question to Lisa was, “would you freak out like this if it was alcohol he was addicted to?” She hesitated for a while and then she said, ‘’Well, I don’t think so. But I won’t tolerate it either.’’ So, if you find yourself in her situation, try not to freak out. Masturbation is similar to every other kind of addiction. It can be overcome.
- BE EMPATHETIC
Understand that the addict feels embarrassed and ashamed of their behaviour. They have probably tried to quit without success. Most addicts struggle to give up on bad habits. They denounce their bad habits but their Wills are weak. Acknowledging this will enable you to be more supportive and less critical of them. Don’t forget that they need all the support they can get to conquer their addiction.
- CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL
Encourage them to seek help from trained experts. Ensure that you employ tact and wisdom while making these suggestions. You don’t want to make them feel like outcasts.
I have used the word
encourage advisedly because addicts often assume they can fight their addiction alone. They assume the nightmare will be over if they exercise a little more restraint. Most addicts would resist help if it is forced on them. It is important to ensure that they are mentally prepared for rehabilitation. They must come to a point where they are ready to discuss the darkest part of their lives with a third party.
If you’re wondering how to go about encouraging them, you’ll get an answer in the next point.
- SHOW LOVE
Love is a very powerful and effective way to effect change in anyone, at any time. It may require more time and patience on your part but in the end, you’ll emerge victoriously. Love always triumphs above nagging and name-calling.
Demonstrate love; not only through words but by your actions. When a person experiences love and kindness, their hearts are likely to soften. Talk to them in love. Let them know how their action affects both of you. They’ll be happy to know they are not alone, that someone is standing by them. Support them as much as you can. Believe in them and they will win the fierce battle of overcoming their addiction.
- DON’T TRY TO WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND THE SITUATION
If you have never struggled with addiction in the past, you won’t understand the situation. There’s no need trying. And even if you’ve overcome one kind of addiction or the other, your case might be unique. Addictions present themselves in varying degrees. It all depends on the individual and the addiction.
- MANAGE THEIR VULNERABILITY
Overcoming an addiction requires a great deal of physical and mental energy on the part of the victim.
If you want the person to open up to you, you must show trustworthiness. Demonstrate a high capacity to manage confidential information and discoveries. If they can trust you enough to be vulnerable, they can trust your intentions towards them. This will increase your likelihood of influencing their decisions and zeal to fight the addiction.
- PRAY
The importance of prayer cannot be overemphasized. Prayer not only gives strength and courage, it gives hope to the suffering. It’s not easy to survive in a world where everything and everyone seem bent on transforming you into a different person. For the addict, the daunting fight for your happiness, freedom, and sanity suddenly becomes real.
Secondly, praying for the addict makes it difficult for you to hate them. You are more likely to be patient and loving towards the object of your prayers.
I’m open to further discussions on this on any platform. Feel free to send in your comments/observations/questions/criticisms as the case may be. We’re all students in the school-of-life. My handle on Twitter, Facebook and IG is @thetalkwithvanessa.
