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So I finally get to sit and put sentences together; maybe because it is the season of writing letters and what not. Anyway, I know a few people who would be very pleased. Mr. Leo, I may yet have a writer’s block, so don’t call P-Square yet. My friend had long asked me to write on relationships. “You are a good writer”, he said, trying to cajole me to do something I’d always said I’d never write about – relationship advice. “Plus, you’ve ‘been around town’. So you should have some experiences which if you shared might help someone”. I doubt if my friend has any good intentions for my to-be readers. I honestly don’t. Because I don’t see how my ‘experiences’ (I think of them – bar one – as escapades) would help anyone. I’m no satan, but sainthood doesn’t quite describe me right now. Then I thought, well, if I share the learnings – not give advice – I’d be helping guys not to be like me (even though I doubt if that will ever happen), and ladies to know how to act around guys like me (now this is not foolproof, the game evolves, and so do the players). So I went soul-searching, thinking, sometimes sitting or lying in front of my notebook, but my brain didn’t have any information – so I’d just watch movies instead. Well, until recently. A lady I tried asking out (she asked me to go pray about it) added me to this BBM group. It was for single folks who were looking to get married and wanted to share experiences and learn from others who were in their same situation. Because the lady and I are good friends now (yes, I know. I was friend-zoned), I accepted and joined the group. Glad I did, because beyond the usually spiritual responses to some of the subjects broached, I got to see how most people think on some issues such as long distance relationships, when best to pray about a person you like, etc. Point to note: the girls talked more, so it may just seem that these learnings are for guys. So here are a few things I learned from the group so far: 1. Long distance relationships are not inherently a bad thing. Yes, I know what you are thinking: out of sight, out of mind. Not necessarily. Except you are one for the regularly frequent roll in the hay, then some time apart will do you both some good. It will establish some level of self-reliance which makes relationships stronger, because both parties are confident in themselves and are not ‘needy’, but appreciate each other’s strengths, weaknesses and unique personalities and have come to love them for it. The other exception to this is if you are a guy and you cannot cook, and a lady friend (in that far away place) is cooking for you. Boy, you got something coming. 2. Most times, when she says “let me pray about it”, it means she likes you, but she wants to stall to see if you’d keep coming. Remember I said members of the group are quite the spiritual types, but I could see beyond that realm. Christian or not, she is still a woman, and except you are Count Dracula, broke and utterly undesirable – in my opinion, there is no such guy – then her willingness to go and pray (which in 90% of the cases simply means ‘let me ask the opinion of my mum and three or so of my friends) means that just maybe you have a shot. So just keep at it. But here’s the clause: this is usually when they are ready to marry. So if they give you that line, you’d better be ready to put a ring on it. If not, then please, Craig David is your friend – walk away. 3. The way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach. Ladies, please. The fact that your man is far away and a woman is being friendly and cooking him meals – because he cannot cook even noodles to save his life – does not necessarily mean that he is going to cheat on you with her; the man just wants to eat! Yes, at the end of the day, that’s how he sees her: a food-, oops, good friend who comes in handy when it comes to stomach affairs, simple! So don’t get unnecessarily jealous and start giving him grief, because then he’d take solace in her, and she would not only be responsible for his stomach, but also for his heart. But there’s a proviso, darling. Please taste the other woman’s food first (and try to watch your man while he eats it). If it is better than yours – based on what your taste buds tell you, and the look on your bobo’s face as he eats (we don’t exactly know how to hide our feelings when the food is good) – then please shut that operation down! Cos she’s gonna take him from you. 4. If you have overseas boyfriend/girlfriend trouble….errr…..I cannot help you. They did not give any tips on that one.   Solomon TommySolomon Tommy is a young professional who lives and works in Lagos. Quite the Christian who believes in love, and life, and has just about no clue on relationships. I give relationship experience; not advice. So just laugh and learn. Follow Solomon on twitter @SouloSkillz

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This article was first published on 20th December 2013

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