What you know may not matter much, if you aren’t applying it. You might as well, not have that knowledge at all. When it comes to marriage, there are things we know we should do, but life and laziness get in the way:
- Date night: Experts and counsellors have nearly gone hoarse, emphasizing how helpful having a weekly date night can be, but sometimes it’s just too much work to cultivate the habit.
- Speaking their love language: Sure, we’ve heard all the benefits of loving someone the way they want to be loved, but it’s so much easier to just love the way we are used to loving. So, we keep on buying them gifts, when they’re dying to hear the words, and so on.
- Playing together: We may have heard that playing together keeps love new like few things can, and we know we ought to make time for it, but the way the careers, commutes and childcare are set up…
- Forgiving quickly: We know we should forgive quickly and freely, but sometimes what they’ve done is just so annoying, or the grudge is way too gratifying to give up, and so we hold on to it for as long as we can.
- Not withholding sex: We’ve come up with many creative ways around this one, so that we cannot be said to be withholding, but deep down we know it’s the same old “I know where I will get you, no wahala.”
- Going the extra mile: This is what truly sets great marriages apart, that commitment to doing the little extras that bring more and more of heaven into the marriage every day, but we have so much to do already one cannot come and go and kill oneself away. Let’s just “manage” the basic marriage like this for now.
- Not letting the children get in the way: We know our children should never be more important than our spouse, and we should never let them come between us, but that’s exactly where they are, both figuratively and literally- right there lying between us. Finding the strength to do the right thing and prioritise our marriage is something we wish we could do, and know we should, but it’s just easier this way.
- Asking them for feedback: We know we should ask them how we can love them better, what one thing they would appreciate more of, the different ways we can serve them this week, or how satisfied they are sexually and if they would like to try anything new. However, this kind of thing would lead to us actually doing something with/about the feedback, and it’s probably going to be something we cannot do, so no need. Let’s leave it like this, shall we?
- Outsourcing: We know we should outsource and delegate more, because being a good lover requires energy. By assigning certain tasks to others, we reserve our energy for our best and highest use. We know we should do this, but somehow, we never get round to arranging it.
- Returning to our first love: We know deep down that if we could relearn the art of paying attention to our spouse, spending quality time just attending to them, studying them, celebrating all that is good in them, adoring them, and meditating on them as it was in the beginning, we wouldn’t need so many marriage books, seminars and counsellors. Yet, we don’t do what we know we should.
Will 2018 be different? It’s up to us.
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This article was first published on 25th January 2018