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Can we talk about how men always want their wives to be in the mood for sex whenever they want it without any effort on their part? Please don’t say it’s because our mothers, the traditional African mothers, did it and so it’s a woman’s duty. Or threaten to have sex outside your marriage, or say that a woman’s body is yours to do with as you will. We’re first humans before we become a wife and one flesh. I know there are exceptions such as a woman intentionally denying her husband sex because she is upset about something but that doesn’t justify forcing her. Do you know what it feels like when a woman isn’t ready for sex? It’s a painful ordeal and it deters the woman from wanting to participate in the act the next time the man comes calling. So what am I suggesting husbands do? Leave their wives alone until they themselves say they’re ready? Well, it does’t have to be so. Husbands just have to make an effort to ensure their wives are just as sexually satisfied in bed as they are. Here is how:
  1. Have foreplay. 
Sometimes a woman can be ready for sex but her body is taking longer to get there. Rather than get upset and stop, why not be patient. You can find out her erogenous spot and work that angle to help her body get there, or you could use a water based lubricant. Also, don’t be in a hurry to be done and not carry her along; she needs that satisfaction just as much as you do.
  1. Don’t pick a fight with your wife just before sex.
As long as you haven’t indicated your intention to have sex, try as much as possible not to stir up conversations that will make her mentally worked up or emotionally troubled. Be genuinely concerned for her well-being and soothe her if she has her ‘plate’ full. Say sweet words to her, make her laugh and help her relax before declaring your intention. Don’t make statements that can aggravate her or cause her to have a mood swing in bed. For instance, rather than asking her if she is too tired for sex, tell her how badly you want her.
  1. Make your wife feel like a queen. 
Nigerians rarely role play during sex, neither do the married men invest in romancing their wives with gestures of love, or feel the need to do the work that will get their woman aroused. When a woman doesn’t feel special, chances are the act won’t feel special either. As a reviewer once wrote, ‘every woman needs a bit of Christian Grey in their lives.’ I haven’t watched the movie 50 Shades of Grey or read the Book, but after watching Magic Mike 1 and 2, I get that statement. What means is, every woman wants a man who will make her feel so special that there is a heightened anticipation for sex.
  1. Abstain a little.
I can hear the guys boiling over in annoyance and going, what?! Remember what it felt like when you couldn’t have her in bed yet, and you had to wait patiently until you tied the knot (for those who didn’t jump into sex before marriage)? Try to recreate that heightened anticipation by giving her sexual space while showing her quality time. Read her body language and her cues. Once she starts giving you signs that she wants you, then zoom in for the kill.
  1. Read!
Yup, you heard me. It’s not only the wife’s duty to study on how to be more flexible to meet her husband’s desires. Men should read up on women too. What worked today doesn’t necessarily work tomorrow. Read books or articles that will teach you how to romance her mind and set her body on fire. Find out about edible and safe aphrodisiacs and how accessible it is in your location. Share the knowledge of your findings with her. It will stir up her curiosity and interest in matters of sex. Guys, you don’t have to go all dominator on your wife; you should know what kinds of things she enjoys and be innovative enough to take it up a notch. There are no hard and fast rules for how to ensure your wife enjoys sex just as much as you, but the point is we, ladies, want you to make an effort. Ladies, feel free to drop comments on the other things we need men to know.

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This article was first published on 4th July 2017


Ann Esievoadje is a freelance writer who is passionate about encouraging a reading culture and personal development. She has authored two books, The Quilt (fiction) and Being Mummy and Me (non-fiction). She manages Pulchra Publishing which offers a content creation/editing, transcription, different forms of writing (including Ghostwriting) service and her blog, Life Love and Anything Goes at You can reach her at

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